Well fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’ve known it was coming, there’s no escaping the date or the reminders all around me that signal the first week of November has arrived but somehow I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard. I drive past that goddamn airport park and ride every day on my way to work – and I remember. The first time it was like a punch to the gut, so hard it took my breath away. You know how I am, places float in the mist for me and I am always surprised when they are somehow connected to other places by roads and highways, so I am regularly ambushed by places that were “ours”. But once I know they are there, when I can pin them to somewhere solid in space and time, I can brace myself so the shock isn’t, well, so much of a shock.
I’ve been expecting the pictures to show up in my facebook memories; bracing myself every day. I saw them coming today when I saw the profile picture memory – you and I standing together with the ocean behind us. One of the many (many, many) selfies of you and I together. One of my favorite pictures of us. I just … I just didn’t expect the rest of it to …. sigh… to everything. Pictures of our honeymoon adventure. Some of the last really good days before Scientology meddled again, and with more force than before. Before you were sick. Days of bright dreams for the future. A future that was gone before it began.
It snowed today. Maybe two inches and it’s going to melt by the middle of next week but the inevitability of winter is upon us. In the life we were supposed to have we would be spending some part of winter in Mexico – or some other warm place. Maybe back in La Paz visiting that little church with the chapel to the Ark of the Covenant. Or stretched out on the beach in front of a condo a stone’s throw from one of el Presidente’s houses. O watching sharks in the ocean in the early morning light. Or. Or.. Or…so many possibilities. In the life we were supposed to have.
Instead I am here trying to figure out how this life works without you. Most of the time I think I do okay, I know I do. Even better than just ok a fair amount of the time. But holy hell it’s hard. The shifting paradigm of a life crafted and built around the idea of two but now with only one.
I wore my wedding ring today. I wear yours every day but seldom mine, anymore. I don’t know what prompted me to take it out and put it on – maybe some sub-conscious November-feel-in-the-air reminder. Maybe it’s just that I miss you. And still, I am shocked that you are gone.
p.s. I hope wherever you are you are warm and toasty.
p.p.s Shoot – that went sideways in a hurry – I didn’t mean that the way it sounds.
Thank you for reading. Remember to like, comment, and subscribe for updates.
If this is your first time visiting my blog or if you are not familiar with our Scientology story I share it with Chris Shelton in this interview for his Sensibly Speaking Podcast.